Confusion.
That's how I feel sometimes.
Like living within someone I don't know, yet know too well.

It's so easy to look at others, and so difficult to look within.

What do I see when looking inside?
A woman who loves her Lord and Savior more than anything or anyone else.
And a woman who, so many times, makes her own 'rules' and so says one thing and does something different.


Divided.
That's me. Divided between my love for myLord versus what I want and think I deserve.

Then, all of a sudden, someone in my life - usually a close friend or family member - reminds me through his or her humility that division doesn't work.
It only brings grief, sadness and heartache.
What I may think will be the best for me always seems to end up as a mess.

When I obey Him. . . When I find my comfort in Him. . . When I listen to Him. . . When I ignore my 'wants and desires', He surprises me!
He lavishes me with unbelievable joy.

Why, then, do I continue to seek my own ways??
Don't I know better?

Back to 'Division'.
Trying to do things my way (self), versus His way.

My only hope in finding escape from 'self' is to seek Him.
More than prayer.
More than writing.
More than reading His Word.
More than meditating alone and with others.

It's all of those.
It's constantly battling the bad habits I've learned, the comforts I think I should have - wants and desires.

Where do I begin? How can I begin to make headway in this battle?

It all begins with L O V E.
His love!!! His love is amazing! Everything He does is because of His Love for all that He created - including me, including you!

He sacrifices for me - for you.

Can't I do that too? Can't I show my love for others by giving? What are your needs? May I show my love for you by giving of what I have? Do you need a hug? Do you need encouragement? Do you need a bed to sleep in? Do you need a friend? Do you need warm clothes? Can I give to you what I have, in love?

How can I share Him with others if I am divided?
How can I show others what it is like to be Christ-like if I am divided?

Courage.
Sometimes that's what I need.
Courage to do what He desires from me.
Courage to say 'yes' and courage to say 'no'.

Lord, please help me.
I know You live IN me.
Please hold me tight.
I pray that I may see Your Love, feel Your Love, give Your Love.