Yesterday was our first month anniversary as a couple.
Wednesday, November 10, 2010
Yesterday was our first month anniversary as a couple.
Wednesday, November 3, 2010
I was standing in the foyer with my handsome son Joe; waiting for the church doors to open wide and the music to change to Ava Maria. My bouquet of white roses was huge, but not heavy - easy to manage. Joe looked so good in his suit. But what caught my eye was his peaceful smile that said to me: "Okay Mom, take my arm - I'm walking you with care and protection to your to your husband-to-be.
And there was Buzz and his men - Tom his Dad and Thomas my grandson - and Pastor Mervin standing, waiting, smiling.
Joe and I walked slowly, moving closer and closer to Buzz. I looked around and saw so many friends and family. Smiled, mouthed "Hi". What a happy day!
Almost there now, at the front of the church and about 6 feet from Buzz.
Wait - something is wrong! No ... not wrong - different.
He was clean shaven!! No goatee.
And I couldn't say one word. Not even an expression like: "What did you do?!!" All I could do was not think about this being the first time I'd ever seen Buzz without his chin hair!
Buzz is always surprising me. Usually it's through humor and I fall for his joking every time.
Again ... in front of our family and friends, he did a great job of 'getting' me!!
Thankfully I was in la la land and could stash this surprise into the back of my head! Oh, Buzz, this is one reason I love you!! Always full of surprises!!
Monday, November 1, 2010
Monday, June 28, 2010
Tuesday, January 12, 2010
“When are you going to learn?” he scoffed at me. His facial expression explained his question better: “You see, I’ve been there and experienced it enough that I don’t want to go through that again and again and again.” He may not have said those words, but his expression told it all. He was talking about marriage.
That was my ex-husband’s question to me about three months after the death of my husband, Steve. Only seven years earlier had I buried my husband, Henry.
Yes, three husbands – two had died and one is an ex.
So when will I learn? A better question is: what am I to learn?
- Relationships don’t work?
- Love hurts?
- Nothing lasts forever?
- A wise man lives alone?
- Being lonely is better than being married to someone because then you won’t get hurt?
Today, these thoughts are running around in my mind because of a hurt I’m experiencing. It’s about a sweet little girl, named Gwen. She is an English Setter. That means she has those beautiful ‘feathers’ on her legs. They are really long wisps of fur. Her color is white with beautiful reddish markings and her eyes are almost green.
She’s a beauty. She belongs to my sister and brother-in-law.
Gwen has her own personality. We call her the Brownie Scout because she always has things to do – projects. Yet, she’s never quite advanced to Girl Scout. She really is a Brownie! Even has her own Brownie beanie to wear!
When I visit, the first thing she does is investigate my suitcase. Inspection is important to her. . . she needs to be sure that her investigation is complete before she can rest in knowing I hadn’t brought anything in that shouldn’t be there (or maybe there’s something she needs?). No telling what goes on in her mind!
Gwen isn’t allowed to sleep in bed. That is, unless I am visiting. Then she gets to sleep with me. We have a special relationship – a real bond. Well, now it’s about the past. Gwen had passed on after 11 ½ years.
I loved Gwen and she seemed to adore me. That’s why I cried yesterday.
And, that’s why I’m crying right now. I loved Gwen. We had a special relationship, as she did with my sister and brother-in-law.
It hurts that I’ll never see those sweet eyes again. She won’t be there to great me at the door. No more Gwen barks. No more.
Yes. It hurts.
“When will I learn?” he mocks.
Yes, loving and then loosing hurts.
When will I learn?
Why would I want to go through loss again? Why not keep a distance? Keep my guard up from anything that might tempt me to open up to what I know will cause hurt and pain?
But isn’t that self proclaimed prophecy? That’s another topic.
Why would I ever want to love again?
My answer is: because God made me in His love and so I can’t help myself!! Loving someone else (including animals) is more than a desire, it’s a need. I need to love because He loved me first.
Love requires a relationship.
Does Love hurt?
No, love doesn’t hurt. What does hurt is when love is replaced with hate, selfishness, pain. And it doesn’t have to be through death. If someone we love hurts us through words, unkindness, thoughtless acts, etc, we feel the wounds.
Wounds and sores – those are two results of non-love. They take time to heal into scars. Some scars disappear over time while others remain as reminders.
“When will you learn?
With boldness, I proclaim my answer: “NEVER!!”
I have faced many hurts and pain and wounds in my life, yet to never become vulnerable in a relationship that is designed by God would turn me into a miserable, lonely and hard-hearted person. The many hurts and pain and wounds in my life can not be healed by separating myself from others – including animals. I have to open myself to possible pain in order to live fully, and to grow in His love.
He loved me first!!
I’ve been pondering some words that were written by Solomon in Ecclesiastes 7. At first I wondered what he meant. After reading them over and over and looking back at the times I have hurt because of love, I am beginning to understand better what he wrote:
- 3 Sorrow is better than laughter,
For by a sad countenance the heart is made better.
4 The heart of the wise is in the house of mourning,
But the heart of fools is in the house of mirth.
In his few words, Solomon has better explained why it hurts to see Gwen gone, yet I would have never ever traded all the time I had with her.
And, I won’t stop!
And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the saints, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge—that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God. Ephesians 3:17-19
Friday, January 1, 2010
That's how I feel sometimes.
Like living within someone I don't know, yet know too well.
It's so easy to look at others, and so difficult to look within.
What do I see when looking inside?
A woman who loves her Lord and Savior more than anything or anyone else.
And a woman who, so many times, makes her own 'rules' and so says one thing and does something different.
That's me. Divided between my love for myLord versus what I want and think I deserve.
Then, all of a sudden, someone in my life - usually a close friend or family member - reminds me through his or her humility that division doesn't work.
It only brings grief, sadness and heartache.
What I may think will be the best for me always seems to end up as a mess.
When I obey Him. . . When I find my comfort in Him. . . When I listen to Him. . . When I ignore my 'wants and desires', He surprises me!
He lavishes me with unbelievable joy.
Why, then, do I continue to seek my own ways??
Don't I know better?
Back to 'Division'.
Trying to do things my way (self), versus His way.
My only hope in finding escape from 'self' is to seek Him.
More than prayer.
More than writing.
More than reading His Word.
More than meditating alone and with others.
It's all of those.
It's constantly battling the bad habits I've learned, the comforts I think I should have - wants and desires.
Where do I begin? How can I begin to make headway in this battle?
It all begins with L O V E.
His love!!! His love is amazing! Everything He does is because of His Love for all that He created - including me, including you!
He sacrifices for me - for you.
Can't I do that too? Can't I show my love for others by giving? What are your needs? May I show my love for you by giving of what I have? Do you need a hug? Do you need encouragement? Do you need a bed to sleep in? Do you need a friend? Do you need warm clothes? Can I give to you what I have, in love?
How can I share Him with others if I am divided?
How can I show others what it is like to be Christ-like if I am divided?
Sometimes that's what I need.
Courage to do what He desires from me.
Courage to say 'yes' and courage to say 'no'.
Lord, please help me.
I know You live IN me.
Please hold me tight.
I pray that I may see Your Love, feel Your Love, give Your Love.