Blinded

Blind. Or blinded?
Sometimes I wonder why I can’t see what’s right in front of me.
Sometimes what looks safe turns out to be trouble.
Why can’t I see what’s really in front of me?
Am I gullible? Am I too trusting? Am I blind? Or maybe I don’t think further than the tip of my nose?

He came through the door with that smile on his face.
I knew him. I trusted him.
I had no reason not to be confident that he had my best interest at hand.
He tells me over and over how much he loves me, and I return those words with my own.

He came through the door and he cared for me.
He listened to me.
Just his presence made my day better. I worry that he will leave and never return. I worry all the time – probably because that’s always what has happened before.
Is that why I am blind? Blinded? Am I guided by my fears?

He helped me. He talked to me. He held me. He kissed me.
How did it happen? It seemed so innocent.
Then it began. Why is he letting me do this . . . and telling me to do what has been forbidden?

But that wasn’t him who came through the door. It was someone else.
If I had only known. Was I so blind? Or blinded?
Why didn’t I say, “No.”
Why didn’t I say ‘no’ to this stranger?

I didn’t see behind the mask.
I let him lead me.
He ‘knows best for me’ were my thoughts.
He will take care of me.
I am safe with him.

Then why are we doing what we repented for only the day before? Who is this?
Who am I, letting this happen?
Why aren’t I stopping?
Just a little more…
I know this is wrong.
Yet somehow in my distorted mind, I think this is how to show him my unconditional love.
My past losses have so confused reality.
So I am constantly seeking his love, even when I know it’s wrong.

Then I hear the words ‘harlot’ in my mind.
I know it’s wrong.
Now I condemn myself.

I’m setting up more wounds rather than healing past ones.

How do I know who is coming through the door and into my home?
I can’t.
But I need to know!
I need to be able to protect myself.
I can’t.
I don’t have the strength or ability.

God! Help me!!!

My home is sacred.
It has been blessed by my Father.
My body is sacred.
It has been blessed by my Father.
I must keep it clean.

But how?

The temptations are strong!!
The yearnings are great.
But is it worth it for a moment of pleasure?

We both struggle with this.
What is He teaching us?
We don’t want regrets.
We don’t want to look back and see what we lost because of a few moments of lust.
We don’t want that!!
We want to glorify Him!!

It’s up to me.
It doesn’t matter if I can’t see past the end of my nose.
I need to remember how great His Power and Love is!!
I need to remember how special I am to Him.
I need to love myself like He loves me.

I can be blind, I can be blinded.
But when I am strong in the Lord, that doesn’t matter.
He will take care of me.
He will keep trouble away.

And then, I’ll know that when he comes through my door with that smile on his face, it is really him and not someone I don’t know.

Please tell me this is true.
I’ve heard the warning.
I don’t want to be hurt.
Be strong in the Lord!!

I will wait.
I will wait for him.