A Strong Cord ...

Yesterday was our first month anniversary as a couple.

Only a month ago we were 'united' in marriage.

During our ceremony we shared what being united as one meant. Scripture says that a cord of three is not easily broken.

To us, the three cords are: God, Buzz and me. So we took a gold cord (God), blue (Buzz) and red (Deb) as representations of a strong cord and braided it while Faith, Buzz's sister sang a beautiful song written by Karen Davis, messianic singer and song writer from Israel.

Behold His Glory

My desire, my one desire

Is to behold Him

To behold the beauty of the LORD.

"Naom Adonai"

And to dwell in His presence all the days of my life

And that we may all, with unveiled face behold His Glory

And we shall be changed by the Spirit of the LORD.

Walking Down the Aisle with a Surprise Waiting

Besides the fact that the Bridal Party was fifteen minutes late, watching my daughter Judith, daughter-in-law Marilyse and granddaughter Princess Kelly Abigail walk down the aisle in their pretty dresses to beautiful music made my heart skip. How lovely and beautiful each one was!!

I was standing in the foyer with my handsome son Joe; waiting for the church doors to open wide and the music to change to Ava Maria. My bouquet of white roses was huge, but not heavy - easy to manage. Joe looked so good in his suit. But what caught my eye was his peaceful smile that said to me: "Okay Mom, take my arm - I'm walking you with care and protection to your to your husband-to-be.

And there was Buzz and his men - Tom his Dad and Thomas my grandson - and Pastor Mervin standing, waiting, smiling.

Joe and I walked slowly, moving closer and closer to Buzz. I looked around and saw so many friends and family. Smiled, mouthed "Hi". What a happy day!

Almost there now, at the front of the church and about 6 feet from Buzz.
Wait - something is wrong! No ... not wrong - different.

Buzz!!

He was clean shaven!! No goatee.

And I couldn't say one word. Not even an expression like: "What did you do?!!" All I could do was not think about this being the first time I'd ever seen Buzz without his chin hair!

Buzz is always surprising me. Usually it's through humor and I fall for his joking every time.
Again ... in front of our family and friends, he did a great job of 'getting' me!!
Thankfully I was in la la land and could stash this surprise into the back of my head! Oh, Buzz, this is one reason I love you!! Always full of surprises!!

Walking Down the Aisle with a Surprise Waiting

Besides the fact that the Bridal Party was fifteen minutes late, watching my daughter Judith, daughter-in-law Marilyse and granddaughter Princess Kelly Abigail walk down the aisle in their pretty dresses to beautiful music made my heart skip. How lovely and beautiful each one was!!

I was standing in the foyer with my handsome son Joe; waiting for the church doors to open wide and the music to change to Ava Maria. My bouquet of white roses was huge, but not heavy - easy to manage. Joe looked so good in his suit. But what caught my eye was his peaceful smile that said to me: "Okay Mom, take my arm - I'm walking you with care and protection to your to your husband-to-be.

And there was Buzz and his men - Tom his Dad and Thomas my grandson - and Pastor Mervin standing, waiting, smiling.

Joe and I walked slowly, moving closer and closer to Buzz. I looked around and saw so many friends and family. Smiled, mouthed "Hi". What a happy day!

Almost there now, at the front of the church and about 6 feet from Buzz.

Wait - something is wrong! No ... not wrong - different.

Buzz!!

He was clean shaven!! No goatee.

And I couldn't say one word. Not even an expression like: "What did you do?!!" All I could do was not think about this being the first time I'd ever seen Buzz without his chin hair!

Buzz is always surprising me. Usually it's through humor and I fall for his joking every time.

Again ... in front of our family and friends, he did a great job of 'getting' me!!

Thankfully I was in la la land and could stash this surprise into the back of my head! Oh, Buzz, this is one reason I love you!! Always full of surprises!!

Everything works for His good

My sister, Barbara, drove the bridal party from my home to the church. We should have left earlier … now we would just make it on time to dress, do our hair, etc. Almost there, when she felt a bump coming from her back tires. “I just hit something. Oh no, it felt like it was an animal.” Without thinking of anything but what just happened, I said: “We have to go back.” Barbara turned the car around. Slowing down and pulling over to the side of the road we could see the cat – already dead. Barbara and my daughter Judith got out, moved the cat off the road with a shovel and began looking for its owner. Now I’m beginning to think about the wedding that will begin in less than 2 hours, yet felt calm about this situation that could take a very long time. Just then a man and his son from a neighboring house came over. Barbara explained our situation and he said he thought he knew the cat’s owner and he would let them know. So, off again to the church. Did we make it on time? No. The wedding was late. Yet, we knew we would never feel right if we hadn’t stopped. Now, there is more to this story. As it turns out, the entire wedding ceremony and reception was about doing and giving to others. The cat story turns out to be the preview for the tone of our wedding … giving up self. In this case, it was a cat and we will always remember that what His plans are for us may not be what we think they should be!!

Grace

In the "Christian" world I am part of, I often hear words like: grace - sinner - saved - lost. Those insider's cryptic words often cause irritation for 'outsiders' who hear them because the speakers fail to explain the context.

Oh, do I know - having been 'one of them' for most of my life.

One-word descriptions would flow from the mouths of people who seemed to know it all ... and they acted like know-it-alls!

Granted, some seemed very sincere, which bothered me because I wanted what they had. Peace, unexplainable joy.

Then there were the others. The judgmental, in-your-face, fear producing people who caused me to want to be any place they weren't.

Now, after over 13 years of being 'one of them', I continue to find words difficult to understand.

I cringe when I hear people calling others 'lost'. What does that mean to someone who doesn't understand Christian slang? Does that mean lost in love? Lost in the woods? Lost in time? Lost on my way somewhere?

On another note, the word 'grace' is a word I should understand. Yet when it involves my actions, I find myself full of wonder. Full of awe. Full of humility.

It happened again, two days ago.

I was performing a challenging task - grooming my fiancé's basset hound who was suffering from the summer's heat and humidity. It always hurts my back to groom and it was extremely hot. The fur was prickly and all over me, plus it was falling between the spaces on my deck to the deck below - and there were people sitting there!

I knew I had to shave her as quickly as possible. And she wanted just about none of this 'beauty' stuff!

To say the least, the longer it took, the more frustrated I was becoming.

As I was finishing the last few strokes, the neighbor girl appeared in the yard.

"Oh no!" I thought. "I can't deal with her right now." I still had to wash the dog, sweep up all her fur and go downstairs and clean up whatever had fallen there.

I was moaning from the heat, the pain and the exertion. The nine-year-old didn't notice ... her mind was on coming over to play with me. "What is she doing here! Why doesn't she just go away!!!?"

She followed me to the shoreline where I tried washing the dog, but too many waves were causing the water to be dirty and sandy. More frustration. I took her to the outside hose and sprayed her. She wasn't cooperating and trampled down some new plants (that weren't mine!).

There she was - the neighbor girl was STILL following me!! "Go away!" I was yelling in my head.

I swept the fur off my deck then opened my door to do the same below. Who was standing on the outside of my door?

Yes!!!

By now I was exhausted, frustrated, still hurting and not at all wanting to have conversation with a 9 year old! So I blurted out the most hateful words: "You are still here? Haven't you gotten the message yet?"

The only kind thing I did (besides being out of her life, poor child) was to look back at her as I walked by and said, "I'm sorry."

Great! What did that mean - I'm sorry -?

I not only hurt another person with mean words, but then in the same breath say I'm sorry???

When I returned, she was gone.

I had the rest of the afternoon and all evening to ponder and examine what I had just done to another person.

Oh, Lord, please forgive me! Why should you forgive me, Lord? What I did was mean and uncaring.

The more I thought about my actions, the less I wanted to think about them. My thoughts went towards: "I'm a good person, therefore what happened wasn't my fault." Yeah, right!! Let's face it, Deb, you really messed up. Here's a little girl you befriended two years ago. You have loved her when others haven't. You have given her a place to come where she knows she is safe. And now you've rubbed garbage in her face - just like all the rest!!!

What do you say about yourself now, Deb? Are you one of those Christians that shows grace and unexplainable joy? I don't think so.

The following day I knew I had to confront my sinful, mean actions by humbling myself to her. I waited all day, hoping she might pass by. Nope.

So about 7pm I walked down the street to her house. I had never been inside, but was invited in by her father who was working on his truck in the driveway. I was met very kindly by the girl's mother and grandmother. They called for her.

As soon as she saw me standing there, in her home, she came over and gave me a huge hug.

Oh Lord, I don't deserve this. I cried. I held her tight. I didnt' want to let go. Why is she hugging me when I was so mean to her?

It was then that I was able to 'give thanks in everything' as I reminded her what I did to her yesterday and then I asked for her forgiveness. I told her I was sorry for what I did.

Our Lord gave me the right words: "there is something I learned as an adult that I wish I had learned at your age. When I say something that hurts another person or when I do something that hurts another person, I must go and ask them for forgiveness. And that is what I am doing now. I hurt you and I am so sorry, will you forgive me?

I continued: "no matter how much someone loves you, they will always hurt you at times. But there is One who will never ever ever hurt you ... that is God!"

Her mother and grandmother were standing there, listening. I saw them nodding in agreement as I talked about God's love for her.

Now, I sit here writing about something I did that was so obviously in need of God's forgiveness. And this was when I knew without a doubt that the only way I can ever, ever see myself as one of those Christians who appear full of unexplainable joy is to know it happens only by God's Grace.

It's His Grace that brings me to Him. It's His Grace and everlasting love for all of us that caused Him to watch His Son die a horrible death for you, for me, for all!

There's no works that can bring me anywhere close to His Grace. It's all about Him! It's not about me or you or anyone!

His Grace is what gives us choices. Choices to follow Him, choices to teach about His love, choices to say mean things, choices to live life without Him.

It's all about His Grace!! His Love!!

I'm a nothing without His Grace.

His Grace is why His only Son was murdered, slain, beaten and was the ultimate sacrifice so that our sins be washed away in order for us to be a part of Him forever. It's by His Grace that I was saved from an eternal life apart from Him - a life of agony and pain forever and ever.

First come love, then comes . . .

“When are you going to learn?” he scoffed at me. His facial expression explained his question better: “You see, I’ve been there and experienced it enough that I don’t want to go through that again and again and again.” He may not have said those words, but his expression told it all. He was talking about marriage.

That was my ex-husband’s question to me about three months after the death of my husband, Steve. Only seven years earlier had I buried my husband, Henry.

Yes, three husbands – two had died and one is an ex.

So when will I learn? A better question is: what am I to learn?

• Relationships don’t work?
• Love hurts?
• Nothing lasts forever?
• A wise man lives alone?
• Being lonely is better than being married to someone because then you won’t get hurt?

Today, these thoughts are running around in my mind because of a hurt I’m experiencing. It’s about a sweet little girl, named Gwen. She is an English Setter. That means she has those beautiful ‘feathers’ on her legs. They are really long wisps of fur. Her color is white with beautiful reddish markings and her eyes are almost green.

She’s a beauty. She belongs to my sister and brother-in-law.

Gwen has her own personality. We call her the Brownie Scout because she always has things to do – projects. Yet, she’s never quite advanced to Girl Scout. She really is a Brownie! Even has her own Brownie beanie to wear!

When I visit, the first thing she does is investigate my suitcase. Inspection is important to her. . . she needs to be sure that her investigation is complete before she can rest in knowing I hadn’t brought anything in that shouldn’t be there (or maybe there’s something she needs?). No telling what goes on in her mind!

Gwen isn’t allowed to sleep in bed. That is, unless I am visiting. Then she gets to sleep with me. We have a special relationship – a real bond. Well, now it’s about the past. Gwen had passed on after 11 ½ years.

I loved Gwen and she seemed to adore me. That’s why I cried yesterday.

And, that’s why I’m crying right now. I loved Gwen. We had a special relationship, as she did with my sister and brother-in-law.

It hurts that I’ll never see those sweet eyes again. She won’t be there to great me at the door. No more Gwen barks. No more.

Yes. It hurts.

“When will I learn?” he mocks.

Yes, loving and then loosing hurts.

When will I learn?

Why would I want to go through loss again? Why not keep a distance? Keep my guard up from anything that might tempt me to open up to what I know will cause hurt and pain?

But isn’t that self proclaimed prophecy? That’s another topic.

Why would I ever want to love again?

My answer is: because God made me in His love and so I can’t help myself!! Loving someone else (including animals) is more than a desire, it’s a need. I need to love because He loved me first.

Love requires a relationship.

Does Love hurt?

No, love doesn’t hurt. What does hurt is when love is replaced with hate, selfishness, pain. And it doesn’t have to be through death. If someone we love hurts us through words, unkindness, thoughtless acts, etc, we feel the wounds.

Wounds and sores – those are two results of non-love. They take time to heal into scars. Some scars disappear over time while others remain as reminders.

“When will you learn?

With boldness, I proclaim my answer: “NEVER!!”

I have faced many hurts and pain and wounds in my life, yet to never become vulnerable in a relationship that is designed by God would turn me into a miserable, lonely and hard-hearted person. The many hurts and pain and wounds in my life can not be healed by separating myself from others – including animals. I have to open myself to possible pain in order to live fully, and to grow in His love.

He loved me first!!

I’ve been pondering some words that were written by Solomon in Ecclesiastes 7. At first I wondered what he meant. After reading them over and over and looking back at the times I have hurt because of love, I am beginning to understand better what he wrote:

• ³ Sorrow is better than laughter,
  For by a sad countenance the heart is made better.
  ⁴ The heart of the wise is in the house of mourning,
  But the heart of fools is in the house of mirth.

In his few words, Solomon has better explained why it hurts to see Gwen gone, yet I would have never ever traded all the time I had with her.

And, I won’t stop!

And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the saints, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge—that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God. Ephesians 3:17-19

Confusion.
That's how I feel sometimes.
Like living within someone I don't know, yet know too well.

It's so easy to look at others, and so difficult to look within.

What do I see when looking inside?
A woman who loves her Lord and Savior more than anything or anyone else.
And a woman who, so many times, makes her own 'rules' and so says one thing and does something different.


Divided.
That's me. Divided between my love for myLord versus what I want and think I deserve.

Then, all of a sudden, someone in my life - usually a close friend or family member - reminds me through his or her humility that division doesn't work.
It only brings grief, sadness and heartache.
What I may think will be the best for me always seems to end up as a mess.

When I obey Him. . . When I find my comfort in Him. . . When I listen to Him. . . When I ignore my 'wants and desires', He surprises me!
He lavishes me with unbelievable joy.

Why, then, do I continue to seek my own ways??
Don't I know better?

Back to 'Division'.
Trying to do things my way (self), versus His way.

My only hope in finding escape from 'self' is to seek Him.
More than prayer.
More than writing.
More than reading His Word.
More than meditating alone and with others.

It's all of those.
It's constantly battling the bad habits I've learned, the comforts I think I should have - wants and desires.

Where do I begin? How can I begin to make headway in this battle?

It all begins with L O V E.
His love!!! His love is amazing! Everything He does is because of His Love for all that He created - including me, including you!

He sacrifices for me - for you.

Can't I do that too? Can't I show my love for others by giving? What are your needs? May I show my love for you by giving of what I have? Do you need a hug? Do you need encouragement? Do you need a bed to sleep in? Do you need a friend? Do you need warm clothes? Can I give to you what I have, in love?

How can I share Him with others if I am divided?
How can I show others what it is like to be Christ-like if I am divided?

Courage.
Sometimes that's what I need.
Courage to do what He desires from me.
Courage to say 'yes' and courage to say 'no'.

Lord, please help me.
I know You live IN me.
Please hold me tight.
I pray that I may see Your Love, feel Your Love, give Your Love.